So Faux Pro

SFP to Return to the Pro Ranks

2008-09-10T06:23:00.000-07:00

I am happy to announce that after talking with my children, my family and my closest friends, I have decided to return to blogging about professional cycling in order to raise awareness of the global blogging burden.

This year alone, nearly eight million people will die from reading poorly written blogs worldwide.... It's now time to address these blogs on a global level.

Millions more will suffer in isolation, victims not only of the poor writing but of poor bandwidth. After the passage of Proposition 15 in Texas, a $3 billion investment in the fight against cycling-related blogging which is helping to make this part of the national online dialogue in America, it’s now time to address blogging on a global level.

I'm going back to blogging about professional cycling. I'm going to try and blog an eighth Tour de France.

Ultimately, I'm the guy that gets up. I mean, I get up out of bed a little slow. I mean, I'm not going to lie. I mean, my back gets tired quicker than it used to and I get out of bed a little slower than I used to. But when I'm going, when I'm typing away on my keyboard – I feel just as good as I did before.

Later bitches!

Excuses Excuses

2008-08-12T12:43:00.001-07:00

This is a new concept for SFP, the interactive post. We're looking for some specific feedback from all you MABRA racers. To wit, we're attempting to compile a master list of all the excuses we come up with to justify our crappy performances on race day.

For example, here are some standards:

"I got boxed in during the sprint."

"This guy totally knocked me off my line."

"I started to cramp."

"I got a bad starting position."

"All the cat 4s in the race kept getting in the way."

Et cetera.

What we're looking for you, our vast MABRA reading audience, is your own favorite excuse, and if you'd care to share, what that really means. (i.e. I got boxed in = I am not a fast sprinter.)

So hit the comments section or email them to our editorial interns. Let's see what you come up with. We'll post the best (worst) excuses in an exclusive SFP special investigative report.

What's in a Name?

2008-08-06T11:46:00.000-07:00

We here at SFP occasionally manage to ruffle some feathers. Whenever someone is upset by the trivial drops we put into the vast ocean of worthless blogs, a call against the anonymity of SFP surfaces. Note the following comment that appeared in the last post:

Most people who offer this type of writen flagellation of someone elses performances' have the balls to use their real names. Not knowing the rider or you I don't know if your critique spot on or if you are qualified to render such opinion. Your blog is instructive, well written, and entertaining, and humorous but suffers from its anonymity. That does not seem to bother you so I don't expect my comment to either. Just one person's two cents.

I am always curious to know why people ask questions they already know the answer to. He recognizes that we are not bothered by our pretense, but takes a dig at it anyway. Though that little query is a digression, let us move on to the issue at hand.

Don't imagine that this post has been written because we are in any way bothered about running a masquerade. We must, however, recognize that we have a growing audience that may not have a full understanding of why we operate in the way that we do. As such, an explanation of the secrecy may be in order.

When bloggers are criticized, readers always want to know who is saying the terrible, horrible, no good, really bad things about themselves or their friends. We can't begrudge that curiosity, but we must resist an unveiling. The moment we are outed, this forum loses its ability to offer up any useful advice. While many take aim at our delivery methods, few seem to find flaw in our analyses. If our identities were known, the level of discourse would devolve into the sophomoric. It would become a matter of pointing out the racing and training shortcomings of our cadre in retaliation. We are well aware of our own inadequacies, thank you very much; hence the faux in our title. We aren't interested in posting our own imperfections, just in exploring why others do. Principally this is for our own amusement, though its nice to know we are imparting our accrued knowledge to others.

If we were to post under our actual names, we would either be ostracized or we would be holding back on what we really think. Cycling is a sport where having friends helps, and it would not be in our own interest to alienate ourselves from people we see regularly. Posting as ourselves, we would be forced into moderating our commentary, which would cause ours to devolve into yet another nauseatingly boring bike-blog. We always wanted to be the antithesis of that. Our anonymity provides the guise that gives us weight. We're more of a presence as a nameless mass than a specific list of individuals. Honesty in identity would lead to dishonesty in writing. Honesty (of the brutally harsh variety) is what, we hope, sets us apart. Otherwise, we'd really be two-faced.

Oh, and since Kyle is away this week we decided to post the Hump Day picture for him.

Dance with What Brung You

2008-07-29T14:42:00.000-07:00

When the well of inspiration runs dry, it's time to get back to the basics. Go back to what got us started on this little adventure in the beginning. SFP began with a mission of calling out BS, it's what we do best. For a while there over the winter, nobody supplied BS better than this guy. Coincidental with SFP's rise to global dominance, he toned it down several notches, maybe because he remembered something: racing is more than just numbers. He perhaps realized that just because he puts his mileage and power numbers in our faces that we (a) don't care and (b) are not impressed with his slavish devotion to his hobby.

Well actually, we don't think that dawned on him at all. We're glad to report that he's back with a vengeance now that a category 2 upgrade is on his radar screen, and SFP is prepared to bring him back down to cat 3 pack fodder.

Brian, get ready.

First off, what are you looking at in the picture at the top of the blog? Eyes front! The rider behind you gets it. Perhaps not coincidentally, he won the Reston crit while you finished 5th. It looks as though you have snapped a wire trailing off the front of the handlebars. Uh oh, no power data! How will I know how good I'm racing?

Now, let's look at upgrade points. You are kind enough to supply all of your race results right there for us to gaze at awestruck, not least by how ordinary they are; a single podium, back in March. By our count, you have 21 points. Washington County race isn't going to count as a stage race. It's a points race, not a race based on time. Training races do not count either - so be glad you put all that effort into them. Not awful, but certainly not exactly storming your way into the elite level either. With just a few races left this year, it may prove difficult to get that upgrade. There are sure to be lots of cat 3s looking for those last few points. Though, you may well win the cat 3 BAR simply by having participated in every single event. (As have so many other cat 3s over the years, where are they now?) You have all the makings of an over-trained, overenthusiastic cat 2 headed for a few more years of being pack fodder before you quit cycling and move on to the next thing -whatever that may be. Ultimate Frisbee perhaps? Maybe adult kickball? I've seen a resurgence of bocce leagues lately.

"The mileage my last six weeks was: 335, 300, 307, 290, 360, 275, 345 – and that included a lot of racing and 4 different double race days. I know it's a lot of mileage. I got off track in April and decided to hit it hard. It worked well. I raced pretty consistently and scored in the really important races: TOWC, Reston and Hagerstown."

Funny how 'consistency' is not exclusive to being successful; it applies equally to mediocrity. Those race results are really nothing to write about. Sure, that's some mildly impressive mileage and so forth, who wouldn't love to go out and ride all the time? We here at SFP might caution that it's all that mileage that is keeping your results in the rather ordinary zone. Do you think the top cat 1s do all those miles right through the season? You might be surprised to find out that they do not. By the time the weekend rolls around, you've ridden your legs off and you just don't have it. This quote is very telling:

"Nate jumped so I decided to take his wheel and get a free ride up to Ryan. As expected, the pack started chasing me / us hard. As we came up to Ryan on the back, the front of the pack was coming hard. I pulled way off to the side, making the decision that they would catch us too soon and Ryan had been by himself for awhile."

Turns out that you had a shot at being in the winning move of 3 guys, but you gave up. You didn't think you had the legs to gut it out. It became a winning move of 2, minus you. If you are going to go up the road, you have to be committed to it. Don't throw in the towel until the pack is right on your wheel, you never know what will happen. It sounds like mental as well as physical fatigue, like you just couldn't quite focus enough to get the job done.

Your Hagerstown write-up is full of I'm tired, I made mistakes, etc. This should be a clue perhaps that you need to back off all those miles. Stop obsessing over your numbers and start concentrating on really racing your bike. Don't just think about how to work hard, but how to win. That's what will get you the upgrade. Simply pedaling mile after mile will not. You want to come out and play in the senior ranks full-time? You better learn how to actually finish off a race and take the top step of the podium. Before you can even consider a Cat.1 upgrade, you need to learn how to win, not how to come close.

There's Pro, and there's Italian Pro.

2008-07-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

from cyclingnews.com

A Dutch journalist asked Pozzato why it was that so many Italian riders had to have their own special designs on their helmets shoes and frames, instead of the stock team issue that the rest of their team rode. Pippo's reply was short and to the point: "Because we are Italian and we have style."

Amen to that, mio fratello.

There's no arguing with that really, is there?

None whatsoever. If you can't grab a stage win, at least make sure you look good. (We're looking at you, Team Columbia/High Road. Where did that kit come from? The clearance section on Nashbar.com??)

This, however, might be going too far.

Too Much Caffeine

2008-07-17T08:34:00.000-07:00

And you guys thought we were mean. Clearly we have nothing on the coffee pros:

See this

and this

We should see if these guys race bikes...

Baby Put in a Corner

2008-07-15T13:45:00.000-07:00

Now that the dust from our protracted hostile takeover battle with GamJams has settled (see yesterday's media coverage) it's time to get back to what we do best. We have upgraded our critique to that most eligible target, the recently upgraded cat 3. Once upon a time you had to be good to upgrade to cat 3, but now they let you upgrade just for showing up all summer. But that's another subject for another fine SFP entry. We digress. Bring on the dessert, a nice big slice of humble pie:

Hagerstown Results

Thanks to those who offered advice prior to the race. All of your advice was spot on, but I had to experience it for myself I think to really understand.

Of course you had to experience it for yourself. Know why? Because this is the first time you've been in an actual race. Before doing a 1/2/3 event, you have only been in race-like situations and the advice you were given were only abstract ideas to you. Welcome to real racing, it hurts. Don't expect it to ever feel comfortable.

Hagerstown gave me an appreciation for the speed of 1/2/3 races as well as motivation for training. As BJ Basham noted on his race preview, there was a small rise in the course that did wear on me after while (like after the 2nd lap), but actually...I found that the hardest section of the course for me was into the wind / crosswind on the opposite side of the course. That surprised me because in our warm ups I didn't recall feeling the wind, but it was hurting me as I rounded that corner. Another thing that surprised me was the degree to which the accordian effect played out even in the 1/2/3. I was expecting smoother cornering, but I found myself having to slow down and then accelerate. By the time I figured all of this out, wasting far too much energy than required for the first 4 or 5 laps, I got caught behind a crash early in the race. A gap opened up and several of us never bridged it.

The "hill" bothered you? That thing was a speed bump. The real problem, as you note later, is in your cornering. If you carry any speed through the bottom corner, it's a nothing hill. You had to stomp on those pedals at a lower speed than your competitors. I guess that would get tiresome. We'll address more of your cornering concerns later.

Out of the gates, I started out on the front of the pack but I found myself drifting back quickly. For example, in prepping a smooth line for a corner, I'd brake ahead of the turn to allow myself some room to rail the corner coming out with more speed, but as I let a gap open up prior to the corner, other riders took that opportunity to move up in front of me and then I'd have to brake, lose my momentum and accelerate coming out of the corner. So, I found myself moving back quickly, not so much because I was going that much slower, but because I wasn't jumping quickly enough to stay on wheels.

The biggest problem with 3's racing with the P/1/2 crowd is illustrated perfectly in this paragraph. You all know how to get to the line early for a good start position, you have to do it for all of your races and you figure it is a good strategy for a 1/2/3 effort. For you personally, it is. However, the rest of us have to deal with a bunch of guys that aren't comfortable cornering at the speed required being up near the front, opening unnecessary gaps, not trying to become an active part of the action, and generally getting in the way until their fitness-level fails them and they get punted out the back. I'm not proposing a solution; you guys pay your entry fee (i.e. our prize list), but if you know you are getting worked over please try to fall back in position without giving someone else a gap to close.

Now, let's talk about your cornering. What jumps out at me is that you "brake ahead of the turn to allow some room" and were surprised that people filled the opening you created. How do you expect to carry momentum out of a corner if you are scrubbing speed before you enter it? I'm going to run out of new and exciting ways to tell people to locate their balls. You will continue to fall behind if you don't learn to take on a corner with full speed, in close proximity, and with confidence in the people around you to do the same. You were falling behind because you were going slower, you shouldn't have to jump to stay on wheels.

takeaways from this one
1 - jumping more quickly to stay on wheels and to not lose ground and staying closer to the front in the early laps of the race

This is true if a gap opens, close without hesitation. However, the big picture solution is not to let it open in the first place.

2 - quicker processing on how to ride the course...ie. on riding the outside line coming around corner 4 to stay out of the wind

Not a bad idea, but don't over simplify. Different lines have different merits, and position yourself based on what you are trying to accomplish.

3 - riding better lines on the corners

Please, for the sake of all of us! And tell the rest of the 3's that think they belong.

4 - improving fitness so that the first (3) items aren't so critical to me lasting in a race.

This is the most important, simple, and correct lesson anyone can learn.

One thing that sort of urks me a bit is that I know these things from past "lessons", but I didn't execute. I think that I would have had a better shot at sticking around for the duration of the race had I just focussed on some basics. Also, of course, I have some work to do with my fitness level and when I improve my fitness, I won't have to do everything so perfectly in the race just to survive. Lastly, I was amazed as I sat on the sidelines watching the race to see the strong guys out front attacking. This sort of puts it right in your face...the difference in fitness levels. Here I am watching guys attack off the front full into the wind after I just got dropped off the back.

In any case, I'm psyched for the new challenge.

Glad to see that you are not ignoring your fitness as a factor in your DNF, it's easy and comfortingly self-delusional to pretend it was a mix of other intangible factors. In the insular world of lower category racing, it's easy for racers to think of themselves as big shots. Glad we could give you a reality check. In other words, welcome to Thunderdome.

SoFauxPro Sues GamJams Over Takeover Attempt

2008-07-14T12:53:00.000-07:00

(With apologies to Martinne Geller and Martha Graybow)
Reuters
Monday, July 14, 2008; 6:58 AM

WASHINGTON D.C. (Reuters) - SoFauxPro Cos Inc (SFP.N) is suing GamJams NV (GJ.BR) in an attempt to slow its suitor's efforts to replace the U.S. blogger's board of directors, which rejected GamJams's $46.3 billion takeover offer.

In the lawsuit, the maker of So Faux Pro (All Your Blogs Are Belong to Us) cited "an illegal plan and scheme by GamJams, through a course of deceptive conduct, to acquire control of SoFauxPro at a bargain price."

The lawsuit accused GamJams of making "false and misleading statements" regarding financing of its $65-per-share offer for SFP and GamJams's plans for the combined company, which would be the world's largest cycling blog, making a quarter of the world's pointless local cycling scene media.

GamJams officials were not available for comment.

SFP said in the lawsuit that it was "materially misleading" for GamJams to tout its financing as fully committed because any commitments it has received "are certainly rife with conditions," allowing the proposed lenders to walk away.

The suit also questions GamJams's claim that it would make SFP's hometown the North American headquarters for the combined company, since GamJams has a business in Cuba which cannot be managed from the United States.

The lawsuit seeks an injunction to stop GamJams from furthering its consent solicitation to replace SFP's board until these issues are fixed.
SFP filed the lawsuit on Monday in U.S. District Court. The case was brought in federal court because it accuses GamJams of violating federal securities laws by allegedly not making proper disclosures about its plans.

SoFauxPro, the largest U.S. bike racing blogger, has spurned GamJams's advances, arguing the proposed price undervalues the company, which owns 50 percent of Mexico's Grupo Profesionales Falsos LLC and 27 percent of Canada's Not-Too-Pro, eh? Bloggery Co Ltd.

GamJams, which has repeatedly said it is committed to a "friendly" deal, raised the pressure on SFP on Monday by filing a preliminary proposal with U.S. regulators that would lead to SFP shareholders voting on the board's future.

GamJams, maker of PedalnAround and KarenGotWheels, also proposed its own slate of directors which would likely be more supportive of a takeover.
SFP's lawsuit is likely aimed at trying to slow GamJams's efforts to unseat the board and use that delay to negotiate a better takeover price, said Mark Sommers, a law professor at Ohio State University who specializes in mergers and acquisitions.

"The primary motivation here is delay," he said. "You go to the federal judge and ask him to grant you some sort of preliminary restraining order and then you delay the takeover, arguing to the judge that he is going to need some time to sort out the details."

"This is hard bargaining," he said.

Sommers said takeover targets are rarely successful in blocking buyouts through these types of lawsuits, in part because prospective buyers are usually able to cure the alleged misstatements by issuing new disclosures, if necessary.

He said SFP's concerns about GamJams's Cuban business could likely be dismissed by GamJams through a restructuring so the Cuban operation does not report to the U.S. entity, or by perhaps divesting it.

He said more litigation may follow.

"If this follows script, GamJams brings a countersuit, and in the countersuit they claim that SoFauxPro is lying about its restructuring plan and making a lot of promises they don't intend to meet," Sommers said, referring to the $1 billion cost-cutting program SFP proposed as an alternative to getting acquired by GamJams.

(Additional reporting by Bryan Vaughan in Philadelphia; Editing by Beth Mason, Nick Mulder, Jared Nieters)

All the World is But a Stage Race

2008-06-23T14:31:00.001-07:00

Washington County Stage Race. More fun than we thought it was possible to have in Maryland. Many thanks to Joe (free at last) Jefferson and the crew at AVC!

If you did not have fun at the stage race, we don't want to hear about it on your pathetic blog.

If a Blog Falls in the Forest...

2008-06-17T18:24:00.000-07:00

We've heard the rumblings. People think we have run out of material at SFP. Well, that may partly be true. We'd like to think that we've made an impact and have caused people to be more self-aware in their writing and analysis. The level of whining and excuses has dropped precipitously since we've begun, and frankly we're kind of proud of you all. You've taken your medicine like good little children, and you're starting to feel better. Congrats. This in turn has led to a lack of material for us to critique. A little sad? Maybe, but in a perfect world there wouldn't be a need for SFP.

Of course, not everyone sees it that way. An angry new entrant into the MABRA blog-o-sphere came out to play. Unfortunately (maybe fortunately), his soapbox is no longer to be found on Blogger. Comparisons between this newcomer, "The Truth," and SFP have been made. We both may rail against the self-absorbed and masturbatory tone to a lot of blogs, but we are miles apart in our approach. His was just hate, coupled with horrific grammar. We apply equal portions of tough love and the Chicago Manual of Style (15th edition).

We suspect that "The Truth" will return. His (we're going under the assumption that this person is a male, since the ladies are, in general, nice) site had to have violated the terms of use rules. We're sure he's still lurking and formulating ignorant ideas about local riders he holds in contempt for no specific reason. Until his un-triumphant return, here is a post mortem review of his currently defunct blog…

Monday, June 16, 2008
Cat 4 Blogging

One thing that really needs to be talked about is the root of all evils, and all of my problems- blogs.

All of your problems are caused by Cat. 4 blogs? Some life you're leading.

If you look on gamjams there are a plethora of dudes who have blogs and race bikes. I don't know if anyone of them are category 3's or higher, either way...they are so annoying. Half the time they are race reports of races they got dropped in.

Not real hard to find out what category they are. They often mention it. You're just being lazy in your complaining.

Yo, REAL LIFE states that if your getting dropped in cat 4 races you first need to delete your blog, then you need to find a building three stories high or higher and jump off it. Seriously, don't kill yourself but do a serious evaluation of how your life is going.

So many things wrong with this section! Never use split commas. Complicating punctuation does nothing to help the clarity of your writing. These are indeed murky seas.

Why are you capitalizing REAL LIFE? And how can it state something? Are we all supposed to know the rules of your REAL LIFE concept? Also, learn the difference between 'your' and 'you're'. This is the first point in your entry that suggests either ignorance, or poor education, but it is far from the last.

Way to clarify at the end. It would have been tragic if all those dumb dumb 4's jumped off a building because you happened to say so. Good thing you cued us in there.

If your getting dropped in a cat 4 race and then rushing home with the thought " I CAN't wait to write in my blog about today" you need to get a fuckin grip. No one cares about how the poolesville road race panned out for you in the cat 4 race, FUCK IT, i don't even care about what happend in the P-1-2 race, I'm sure some sketchy ass harley dude won. Harley...don't get me started...

Apparently people do care. You're apparently reading them, since they are the cause of all the problems in your life (notice how I used the words 'your' and 'you're'). Seems to me not caring would mean not reading, or certainly not getting so upset as to add to the pile of profanity on the internet. It's time to relax a little.

Go on, get started on Harley. What? You feel comfortable picking on low category riders, but you're going to shy away from the upper echelon? You're already anonymous, why are you pulling your punches? Tell me, what makes them sketchy exactly?

Why don't you do some home improvement shit and take pictures of it, I'd rather read about that. Hell, buy a custom Seven frame and talk on your blog about your experience with that. But please, please, please don't blog about your getting experiences racing bikes. I can assure you no one will be sad and people will probably like you more.

Generally speaking, you shouldn't start sentences with the word 'but'. Furthermore, how did your brain conceive of the sentence "don't blog about your getting experiences racing bikes" and think that it was okay? You're a terrible writer, but your bad grammar is not the substantive problem. While the Faux Pro has not been kind to the Cat. 4 blog crowd, I am absolutely certain that people like us more than they like you.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

I didn't want to have to do this...

But I see too much shit that pisses me the fuck off everyday on the internet and at bike races in REAL FUCKIN LIFE.

We're not a puritanical bunch at SFP, but what is with the constant cursing? It's the written equivalent to thinking that yelling louder means you are winning an argument. You bring your discourse to the gutter, and with every repeated use the impact of the word diminishes. It's only an F-bomb if you drop it infrequently. On your page, the words have lost their meaning and therefore their power.

Cat 4's with powertaps and SRM's, Dudes doing B TRACK RACES with DISC wheels, sketchy ass dudes on bikes- get a fuckin clue...

You should get down on your knees and thank God for the countless Cat. 4s, masters, and those with more money than sense for buying the power meters and disk wheels. If those people didn't, the products would have no one to market to. If they weren't buying them, they wouldn't be made for those of us that are getting legitimate use out of them. I've got a hunch here that, based on your apparent lack of education, you don't make much money. You're just jealous you can't afford the nice toys.

I'm sick of dudes driving their cute ass girlfriends and wives to races in the middle of nowhere, killing their weekends. Then they waste the rest of their day by bitching about how some fat frog faget chopped them in the last corner of the chesapeake crit cat 4 race. FUCK YOU.

Hmm, that reminds me of something. So now we have moved on from conventional swear words to derogatory epithets, and you can't even spell your hate correctly. I'm not sure what the "fat frog" preface to that word means, unless you mean portly French people.

If I had your girlfriend I wouldn't be taking her to some faget race, I wouldn't even let her know I race bikes, I would tell her I work in the mall at sunglass hut or something.

There's the rub. You're not just jealous of their toys, you're jealous of their girlfriends. Actually, since most gay bashing is done by those who haven't come to terms with their own conflicted sexuality, maybe you're not jealous of their girlfriends, but jealous of their girlfriends.

In the event you dupe some poor unsuspecting girl into dating you, good plan to not tell her about your pastime and to lie about your occupation. Let us know how that works out.

I'm going to write on this blog alot and vent all of my vices to you assholes. I'm going to promote this blog to everyone so that one day I can go to races and lurk the internet and not want to blow my brains out all over my living room walls when I see the shit I see today.

A lot is two words. "Vices" is not the correct word; maybe gripes or grievances instead? A vice is a personal shortcoming, not something you project on another. It is not hard to get your blog out there, but you aren't offering your readers much but generalities, bigotry, and catastrophically terrible writing.

Shock and Awe

2008-06-02T12:10:00.000-07:00

It's easy to tell when it's time for Philly week. The CSC Invitational occupies a coveted spot on the NRC calendar, the weekend before the biggest one-day race in the country. Professional riders descend on Arlington like a murder of crows, occupying spare beds, futons, and couches all over the area. Hide your liquor and your daughters, the pros are here! Our experience here at SFP is that the pros are pretty much like the rest of us, only skinnier and faster. They are grateful to have your house to sleep in, and your wi-fi to share. Some of us get a little carried away, however, as noted in a recent installment of GamJams...

I will mark Thursday, May 29, 2008 as a very significant day in my life. It will go down in the Jen Cheng book of history, and that day's entry in my training log will be highlighted and outlined with gigantic green and red stars. Why? Because I trained with Tina Pic and Iona Wynter-Parks from none other than the one and only Team Colavita-Sutter Home brought to you by Cooking Light.

A chance encounter with a couple of domestic pros counts as a significant day in your life? I don't think I will be pre-ordering a copy of the "Jen Cheng Book of History" from my amazon.com account if this little happening constitutes a highlight. Honestly, I don't get it. They're domestic based pros, and odds are you will end up competing against them at some point. Stop being star-struck and start thinking of them like any other chick you need to beat.

Also, why are you writing out full team names in an e-mail? Did Team Colavita-Sutter Home brought to you by Cooking Light ask you to send this as a press release?

Well, "trained" might be a bit of an overstatement. I held onto Tina's wheel as she and Iona zipped through the Mt. Vernon trail and the neighboring streets of Belle View. They were trying to "break in" their shiny new Jamis TT bikes. Me, I was trying to grasp the reality of this experience. I've never felt so safe going so fast on the trail.

Want to know what the "reality of the situation" was? Two experienced racers who should have known better rode at a dangerous speed on a recreational bike path, and you were too in awe of their personas to think, "hey, this is a dumb idea".

To top it all off, Tina turned around and came back for me after they dropped me. I'd like to believe that I got dropped because I really didn't plan on going hard that day (I mean, really, who plans to go hard when riding on the Mt. Vernon trail?). Shocked and flattered that they turned around to wait for me, but a little embarrassed that I slowed them down, I told them to keep going without me. "Really, I don't mind," I kept pushing. Tina's response was, "No, that was fast. I mean, for God's sake, I could barely hang on to Iona's wheel!" I thought to myself, "wow, she's fast, humble, and will lie to make me feel better."

How about that? People can be fast without being jerks. Amazing.

When we parted that evening, I was on cloud nine. I rode all the way home wearing a huge smile on my face. I had just been graced with the unusual privilege of training with two of the best female cyclists in the world. What makes this experience even more memorable is the simple fact that they were so nice, so warm, and so friendly to a stranger who happened to also be one of their biggest fans.

It is time to come down off that cloud. If this is your reaction to riding with pros, then you will be screwed in some of the bigger women's open events. Pros are pretty normal people that just happen to be able to pedal really hard. If you build them up in your mind as super-gifted and unassailably talented, they have you beat before you leave the start line. Pros deserve respect and reverence for their ability and sacrifice, but no one in this sport is beyond approach. Cycling is a small world; you will have more encounters like this. Try to keep your head on straight.

Hold Your Water

2008-05-28T06:15:00.000-07:00

I know yon masses prefer the dissection, or maybe vivisection, of other blogs. I ask only for a short respite of forgiveness as I rant on another topic, of which I have been noticing many offenders.

I would have to take a much larger survey, but it seems to me that there is a negative correlation in the relationship between how close to being a pro you are and how concerned you are with looking the part. In short, the slow guys are the most concerned with looking fast. Fast guys are principally concerned with being fast (FYI being fast is the only accessory that actually looks good). I don't know if this is an attempt to level the cycling social strata, if by looking fast you may convince your faster peers that you are in fact as quick as you look. Though rant-worthy, this is not the topic I wish to explore. It is just the requisite prologue to explain the phenomenon I oppose.

In vain attempts to appear more "pro", I have been witnessing a lot of water bottle discarding in the finish of criteriums before the sprint. This has got to stop. If anyone reading this is an offender, know that you only make yourself appear more the poseur. What advantage do you think this is giving? You risk tossing it into another rider. You risk losing it on a property that a promoter worked hard to secure, and may only have a tenuous hold of. It will not make you faster. Even a full bottle cannot weigh more than 1.5lb (24oz bottles, 16oz to a lb). This cannot throw your power-to- weight ratio off in any significant way, especially not at max efforts - we're not even talking about dumping weight before a climb. Even that is still dumb, but at least has a real argument.

Also, why do you have a bottle to toss? You should have been drinking it. Staying well-hydrated will do more for generating extra finishing watts than the few ounces you tossed will save for you. Are you taking too much with you? if your race is short, why take 2 bottles anyway?

I am at a complete loss as to why this occurs. It does not make you look faster, or cooler, or help you in any real way. Stop throwing your bottles.

Fish in a Barrel

2008-05-22T06:17:00.000-07:00

Concerns have been raised that this humble little corner of the great big internet has caused reluctance to post race stories among the MABRA crowd. At the very least, we've been seeing a shift in the way people recap their tales of woe. Could it have been that the blame game days were over? Were racers really taking responsibility for their own actions, or inactions as often is the case?

It would appear that our ~~friend~~ frequent commenter Kyle has relapsed a bit. We have lingering suspicion that Kyle just wanted to get the SFP treatment, and wrote an entry ripe for ridicule. Even if this is the case, we found no better example of what not to write about this week.

I left for Wilmington a little later than I wanted but with ample time to warm up. So I thought. I stayed up really late the night before getting everything ready so I can just throw everything I needed into the car. I got up, ate, shaved my legs and packed up. I made it up to Wilmington at 10:20 with time to spare for a 12:00 start

Staying up really late the night before a big race in no way counts as "getting everything ready." Pack your clothes, lube the chain, put some gatorade in the fridge, you're ready to go in 10 minutes. What else are you doing exactly? Also, why shave your legs the morning of a race? Doesn't that waste a lot of time? You'd have been there 20 minutes earlier.

I got to registration and have to say poor planning on the part of the promoter on separating the names. There must have been 4 times the amount of people with the last name starting h-m then any other break down. I stood in line for 25 minutes to get my number. After I got my number I was told they have no pins for my numbers. What a joke.

Yes this is clearly the fault of the promoter. You're in a race with 125 guys, probably 25 more on the wait list, all arriving at about the same time, and you don't plan for 30 minutes to pick up your number. Time management is clearly not your strong point.

I was a little pissed because now it was 11:00 and cutting into my warm up and time to get ready. As I stood there asking if anyone had extra pins saying they did not think this out an Elite woman says to me "stop your complaining." There is no complaining anymore. I just said they had no pins. She responds let me guess you are a cat 4. I said yeah she says she can tell. I was so fucking pissed at this bitch for saying that. As I waited for another 10 minutes for pins …

Again, how is this anyone's fault but yours? Who doesn't have 30 pins in their bag? What do you do with them after each race? They should go right into one of those little pockets in your race bag. Put them in the ashtray of your car. Put some in your seat bag, you seem like the type to forget to remove that before a race. Add that to the fact that you are actually waiting around for someone to deliver pins to you. Get a grip. Does a teammate have some extras? The promoter is not your mommy. You've got to figure things out for yourself here.

The Elite woman had you pegged as a cat 4 doofus because she's not one herself. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but cat 4s stand out like, like, erm, like cat 4s only can. That look combining raw enthusiasm with blissful ignorance. You're whining about safety pins for goodness sake. And she's the bitch?

I scoot to my car with 50 minutes to spare to the start. I get my clothes out. I packed last years shorts which is fine. Then I pulled out a jersey. Something is not right about that jersey because I do not own half zip jerseys. Turns out I packed my wife's jersey which is an extra small. Holy shit I packed the wrong jersey. I go up and down the line asking coppi and lance lacy(abrt) if they have an extra jersey. My options were to race in my button up dockers shirt or my wifes extra small jersey. I decided to try the jersey on. I barely got the damn thing on. It was so tight on me. Lance then pinned me up. I had 40 minutes left. I got on the bike and did a warm up on the course that they just finished setting up. I did some strong hard efforts and cruised it the rest with a hard jump. So overall I had a quality warm up.

This might be your crowning achievement. All Hail King Doofus! Costanza, King of the Idiots. What about all the "extra prep time" last night?? Can't you tell the difference between a XL jersey and a XS? Full zip vs. half zip? This year's shorts vs. last year's. (and if they are shorts, rather than bibs, you lose further credibility) Or do you not do the laundry either. I'm amazed you are not blaming the wife for making this error. Whose underwear did you have on?

I go around the line one time and see nobody staging. I come around again and people are corralled like cattle in the running of the bulls on a side street. Shit they are lining up there. God dang it because this course requires you to be near the front to make a difference. So I get in there towards the back because not everyone got there. My biggest mistake of the day was doing that. As guys were coming in they were squeezing on the sides. Shit I am on the very back. Joe Jefferson calls some guys up to the line and I do not know why they got the call up. I wish he called me up. Then the rest of the field gets pulled to the line.

Yes the art of the lineup. Generally this requires not straying too far from the start line, but you went all the way around the course and missed the whole thing. You at least have sense enough to know that this was (yet another) critical mistake. But once again, you have nobody to blame but yourself. Guys were ready to line up and you wandered away. Not smart.

(totally predictable race "action" where Kyle doesn't manage to move up and is pulled early)

Some coppi guy helped me remove my wifes jersey from this body etched in bronze. It was pretty embarrassing. For that day luck was not on my side or maybe I had bad karma.

Bad Karma? Bad luck? Etched in bronze? Wow, are you ever in denial. Notice how you don't even have a teammate help you. They are obviously too embarrassed to be seen with you. How do you get to work on Monday morning? I can categorically state that if you don't get your sh*t together better than this pathetic display, you will never win a race.

Bike to Work Day

2008-05-15T05:23:00.000-07:00

I am sure that most regular bloggers picked up this nasty habit as a result of environmental circumstance. Being stuck in an office all day gets you daydreaming of cycling. Of course, you cannot make water-cooler chatter about bike crap, because the normal people in your office have sense enough to tune you out when you go down that road.

But once a year… you think… you hope… that someone, anyone, in your cubicle universe will somehow give a rat's ass about cycling. That's right folks; we are on the eve of National Bike to Work Day.

Here are some important things to remember on this day…

1 - No one else is as excited for this as you are. Try to curb your enthusiasm. Your coworkers suddenly mounting a rusty old Mongoose with barely inflated tires does not mean they care about who is in the Maglia Rosa all of a sudden.

2 - Cyclist culture is not normal – the events on bike day, such as a bike themed choir, just confuse, scare, and ultimately alienate others from taking part again next year.

3 - Nobody cares how fast you are. Sure, some dicks out there will consider this day a de facto race to the rat race, but most people are using it as an excuse to show up late, feel good about getting some exercise, using AM exercise as an excuse to eat a big lunch, or because they are followers and some higher-up in the office suggested it. They don't suddenly have an interest in your last race, how to split lanes, or "safely" blow lights. I know it's easy to want to show off your skills, after all most of you get your asses kicked all weekend and it feels good to be the kicker for once. Despite all of that, they are not racing you and they just think you are more of a dick now.

In short, behave like someone who has some life perspective – not a bike racer.

Public Service Announcement

2008-05-14T11:55:00.000-07:00

We here at SFP have one big pearl of wisdom for the aspiring (and perspiring) bicycle racer. We cannot overstate the importance of this fundamental and seemingly obvious item.

Bib shorts, dudes. Please.

We grow weary and sickened by overexposure to ass cleavage. Please, for the love of God, try out a pair of bibs. We'd rather sit on the front of the pack all day than get a face full of your hairy behind.

Advantages of bibs:
--Slimming
--Concealing
--Pro

You know who you are, celebrated fans of fashion. Bibs. If you have sensitive nipples, like Andy from "The Office," put Vaseline on them. Wear a base layer. Something. Let's put a halt to MABRA's #1 public nuisance. Together, we can win this battle.

Still, I guess shorts are better than this.

Giro Platter To Go

2008-05-14T11:51:00.000-07:00

The Scotsman then hurled his bike over the barrier in disgust.

This will surely push Steven over his monthly budget.

Down and Dirty

2008-05-05T16:47:00.000-07:00

It had seemed for a while that the MABRA blogosphere had become stagnant. For a brief couple of weeks I thought I had seen the end of self-pity and excuses that usually make up the Monday-after offerings.

Then we have Poolesville, and you all did not disappoint.

Here's a gem from a notorious MABRA hater. Many people remember The Wrob's contributions to the original Harley blog. Mr. Hampton has been a fixture in the Cat 3 scene (such as it is) for years, I wonder how that upgrade is coming along…

saturday - poolesville rr. tough day for bike doctor. 9 starters, 3 finishers. 1 broken down car, 1 set of keys left in car, 2 ER visits.

I feel bad for the guys who ended up in the ER, but there is to be no whining in P-ville. We all know the risks before the start. Shit happens.

My race, like many in the 3/4 race was short. I navigated my way through the big pileup the 2nd time through the dirt. I quasied connected with some right out of the dirt but didn't fully connect with the 30ish people after the hill. That took quite a bit out of me I guess. I was back in the group goingthrough the feed zone but was overheating like crazy. Goosepimples all over and I had mad tunnel vision. I pulled out after getting back with the group. The reality of pulling out like that hurts but such is life.

I like how you excused your pitiful ride by pointing out that many others had a short-lived race as well. Your ride was short because you weren't fit. Most of the others were out for the excusable reasons of mechanicals and crashes.

Also, how were you over-heating? It was warm, but it was far from the extreme heat and humidity that is staring us down in the coming months. Let's not call this overheating, but rather poor hydration. This is completely and utterly under your control. Spend a little less time contemplating bike upgrades (which haven't made you any faster) and focus on the things that actually make a difference – good training, sleep, diet, and hydration. This little investment of effort will yield more than the dollars you invest in fancy gadgetry.

I don't believe for a minute that pulling out of races actually bothers you. You seem to do it weekly. If it really troubled you so much, you'd be doing something about it instead of going belly-up when things get hard.

Saturday night we met our friends in Ellicot City for an early Cinco de Mayo celebration. Or really just dinner out. After dinner, we went for a walk.

(Juvenile captions to dimly lit cell phone pics)

Sunday - woke up slow. Avoided going to Philly with Cliph. Sorry, Cliff!! Instead met with wee man, Indy, and Josh and we proceeded to crush each other all day long. Hains Point and Clara Barton doing some pulling. It was a full out who is stronger fest. Josh is killing it now. Great ride. Did a few hours of yard work and then decked it with Evan and Cliff and their ladies. Boozin until bedtime. I'm ready for some more of these weekends. Minus poolesville.

Here's a stroke of genius. I don't have the legs to do anything in a real race, so I'll go out and have a pissing contest with some friends. That'll restore the ol' self esteem.

Your last two sentences were quite telling: your weekend was great except for the part that required hard work and a little pain. You just want to hang out, drink, and talk like a bike racer; you don't actually want to be one do you? You certainly do your best to look the part, as evidenced by your constant self-portrait posting. Unfortunately for you, you can't mail-order a victory.

Double Secret Irony

2008-04-27T06:33:00.000-07:00

Mimi Newcastle opines "Maybe it's just me but it seems terribly wrong for you to move the race to Sally Ride Dr - a road named after the first woman astronaut! - and then cut your women's race offerings from 2 fields to 1."

How many women's fields were offered in the race that your team promotes? That would be Zero. Because your team doesn't promote a race. Thanks for that.

Water Water Everywhere

2008-04-23T06:08:00.000-07:00

I guess everyone has finally dried out from the Carl Dolan swim meet, though some seem to still have water on the brain. It's a dangerous condition but it can be treated. Preferably by electroshock therapy in this case...

For some reason I thought the 3/4 race was at 11:45am yesterday so I got there at 11am. The race was actually at 1:15pm so I sat in my car and talked on the phone for an hour. I'm pretty glad y race was later because it proceeded to rain torrentially and god knows I wouldn't want to be racing in that. Luckily for us, the rain stopped shortly before our race.

You may have gotten lucky by being there early, but what kind of plan is it to show up for a race 45 minutes before you start? By the time you find a parking spot, get your number, pin it, and kit up – how much time do you have to warm up? 5 minutes? When we fail to prepare, we prepare to fail. By the way, rain won't make you melt. Lose a few psi from your tires and get on with it.

My goal, as stated in a previous post, was to be patient, sit in and not do anything.

This is a goal? You could have achieved this by staying home.

No breaks, no chasing, nothing.

The ideal teammate.

First few laps went as planned. Even when I saw half the peloton ahead of whatever group I was in, I figured I'd let others decide whether our race was over or if we were going to catch back up.

Why show up at all if you're content to get dropped off the back?

Of course it was early in the race and it all got back together. At that point, I have to admit I was not enjoying being in the midl of the peloton. There's just too many people going fast, too close to me, jittery nerves and whatnot. I decided to move up a little bit. By the time we got around the turn into the hill, I was in front and I jammed it up the hill. At the top, I saw that a few people kept up and w had a small gap, we all lined up and tried to cooperate and had a pretty smooth paceline. As we came around the course, I sprinted to the line to be sure to get the prime. Sorry boys, "pas de cadeaux". I think I caught some shit from another rider for not keeping the paceline together. Too bad, I need my primes. We had a couple Evolution guys, Coppi, NCVC (me), Bike Doctor, Artemis. Maybe we didn't have Route 1. On the 2nd time around the course in the break, I punched it up the hill again, I turned around and saw that we were basically caught. An Artemis fellow who followed me up the hill was off the front alone when I decided to merge back into the pack and that's when team mate Nate Wilson blasted off in a nice counter-attack move. No one else followed him so it was just Nate and Artemis and I don't think that lasted very long.

All of a sudden your "strategy" goes out the window and you're the team strongman? If riding in the "midl" of the pack scares you, I bet you were slowly drifting back because you're too much of a pansy to hold your spot. How can you get jittery nerves from people "going fast, too close to me." When you read the flyer for the event, and you saw the phrase "bike race", did you not think that was a possibility? And guess what? They only get faster and closer as you move up. So find your nuts from wherever you tucked them away to and deal with it.

The one thing you got right is to be unapologetic for taking primes. It's the weaker riders that suggest everyone should work together and split the primes later because they know they'd get no cut otherwise.

I think with maybe 6 laps to go we were rolling around the course and I saw a BBC guy get knocked into by another rider right in front of me and it looked like the shit was about to hit the fan. I had nowhere to go since I was in the dead center of the pack. I hit the brakes, saw them go down, slowed as much as I could but with still nowhere to go all I could do was ride right over one of them. As my front wheel hit flesh, I went flying, landed on my right side elbow and knee and then all I could do was curl up into a ball since I could hear the whole pack whizzing by my head. I heard the terrible sounds of bikes crashing and things breaking. Once it was all over, I opened my eyes to assess the damage. Definitely the biggest crash I've ever been involved in (though not the worst). I didn't hurt myself too much, just bruised and skinned knee/elbow on my right side. My rear wheel's hub is messed up now and I have to bring it to a shop. Otherwise, just some chipped paint near my left rear drop out. Unfortunately, Kevin from Coppi apparently got a concussion and had to be carted away in an ambulance.

Admittedly, I was not in this dog and pony show of a bike race, but I am going to have a hard time believing you never had anywhere to go in these crashes. You seem to have the same penchant for finding pavement that Tyler Hamilton did in his Dr. Fuentes days. Some people are born crashers and you may be one of them. Guys that are prone to crashing have a panic button. They can't take their eyes of the crash and as a result find themselves drawn into it. I never wish a crash on anyone, and hope everyone is OK – I'm just suggesting that we are not done reading about your tarmac-torments. Stock up on the tegaderm.

The race was neutralized so I switched out my back wheel and joined the team mates at the line. I really didn't think I'd be up to much in the remaining laps. First lap of the 2nd part of the race began and I was near the back of the pack. As we got around to the back of course, I saw Nate and told him I'd bring him to the front. As I made my way up the right side, it pretty much shut down and I had nowhere to go again. I held my position and as it opened up again on the hill, I punched it and made it to the line for a 2nd prime way ahead of everyone else. I let the peloton catch back up and followed around for the rest of the race. Another team mate, Steven Black got the last prime, taking it from Big Drew, thinking it was the last lap. The last lap was pretty nerve racking. I actually hit my team mate David but nothing bad happened. I surfed some wheels up the hill but was starting from pretty far back. Got a top 20, maybe top 15, I counted 4 team mates ahead of me, including Chris P who just came up from behind me stomping on his pedals at a low cadence, out of the saddle. It was a pretty impressive sight.

Nerve-racking is probably the most accurate description of any final lap in a 4 race. Squirrely, tired hacks using an entire road in a chaotic approach to the line is not my idea of a good time. I'm willing to bet that your presence does little to calm anyone's nerves either. How do you accidentally hit a teammate? I've bumped some guys in my time, but always by design and never wearing the same uniform. That's some squirrelly shit if I ever heard it. Combined with your crash history, I never want to find myself near you in a crit.

Anywho, 2 primes, survived a big crash, good enough. Now I have injuries on both sides of my body, looking more symmetrical now, it all makes sense. Tour de Ephrata next week.

Before you suggest it, road rash is not the new tan lines.

Happy Happy Joy Mt. Joy

2008-04-15T14:00:00.000-07:00

It's not all gloom and doom from the Faux Pro my haters. I'm happy to recognize blogs that don't pierce my soul with incessant whining. Mr. Fouche wrote a concise and honest assessment of his day at Mt. Joy this weekend. I have almost nothing to criticize this entry for, though I will assume that his shift key was stuck since nothing was appropriately capitalized. But I digress…

Mt. Joy

legs felt good today, and prediction came true. sat in, attacked, field sprint. I did this race last year and it is hard to get away because the downhill is long and fast and the field catches everything on the decent.

Now here is a simple and accurate assessment. Sometimes, less is more folks. He could almost have done this as a haiku:

Legs felt good today
Prediction came true, sat in
Attacked, field sprint, fast!

we did just over 50 miles, 9 or 10 laps. sat in a while. with 5 to go a little group was up the road. I went to the front and got a big gap on the field up the climb. the break was just in front of me at that point, but I just sat up. I could have hammered to the downhill to catch the break, but i'm not completely stupid. It was going to come together.

Would you look at that! We found a blogger who actually makes a conscious decision about how he should expend his energy. Amazing.

Last lap I got in good position with under 2k to go. there was a little crash beside/behind me, but luckily i wasn't in it. i was in good position, top 10, but no one lit up the front, and guys just swarmed around me. When it's fast i'm good at holding my position, but i suck when it isn't and i always drop spots.

At this point I could make fun of this guy for not having the balls to fight in the swarm, but he gets to it himself later.

I had good legs, and wanted to open it up, but was in horrible position for the sprint (too far back) even though my legs felt good. it started to open up on the left, but then it didn't and i was too far back. Results are already posted a few hours after the race, i was pack fodder once again.

He's just telling it like it is. You can sense some disappointment, but he rightfully blames no one else for his fate. That's being a man.

none of the stupid non racing crazy stuff that is fun to blog about happened today, just a typical race. Oh, but i did cramp a little. my fucking toe cramped, i don't know why the hell that happened, but better than having my leg cramp.

That's just weird...

the new bike with race wheels rocks, though i'm still pack fodder because i don't have the mentality to put my elbows out and try to stay up front when it gets sketchy. new bike is just stock 20f/24r. didn't have any 16f/20r in stock. was going to get built with american classic hubs, but they discontinued the 16 hole front hub

This is the paragraph that made me respect this entry. He recognizes a shortcoming, and a mental one at that. Knowing your mental limitations is as important as knowing your physical limitations. However, the mental ones are easy to rationalize away. Confronting the mental game shows real race maturity. It is the antithesis of excuses and complaining.

I'll forgive the slight distraction of talking about your new carbon hoops. Most of us have a set; we all know they're quick. Nobody cares (or nobody should care) about what spoke count option you went with.

Rest Day

2008-04-14T15:03:00.000-07:00

We didn't have to do an entry today because BikeSnob NYC had us covered.

Hot on the Trail

2008-04-11T06:04:00.000-07:00

It looks to be a beautiful spring Friday. Time to shave the legs, oil them up, suck in the gut (bibs are great for concealing, and black is slimming), wipe down that $3000 carbon bike, and hit the trail along the river. Today's training objective is simply to roll out and impress the ladies with our faux pro-ness. Stop staring down at your power meter, look up. Make eye contact and smile. Ladies, your job is to roll out and impress me. It's warm enough to show some skin, better yet, lots of skin. Bring your hot friend too. I want eye candy for lunch today. I promise I won't talk to you about wattage, calories, or the cat 4 race I got 40th place in because everyone else is stupid.

Tyson's Redux

2008-04-10T13:02:00.000-07:00

Battoowoo Greekgreek

Tyson's Weekend

You would think that after having read The Monkey's Paw and Pet Cemetary, I would know better than to wish for things. Karmic balance seems to happen. So, I wished for rain and I got the tempting rain on Friday but Saturday was dry, so instead of Walkersville I got some Little League and Youth Soccer action. Carter's team batted around in the bottom of the last inning to pull off the come-from-behind victory. We all had ice cream and wore short sleeves. But, today was really cold and finally the rain I wished for arrived and all Youth Soccer and Little League was canceled. Rats...Walkersville was supposed to be my race of glory and Tyson's just a little leg opener to round out the Peak week.

Hold on, you were hoping for rain so that you didn't have to go to your kid's little league game? Straighten out your priorities. You should have been happy about that. Your son will only be a kid for a few years, you have a lifetime of mediocre racing to look forward to.

For some reason, the rain, the family, the whatever got me distracted this morning and I wasn't prepared at all to go out of the house to the race. My original plan had been to ride to Tysons but in retrospect, the rain would have made me so cold that I would have been done before I even started the first lap. First, I couldn't find my shoes (in the hall closet) then I couldn't find my gloves (one in the basement, one in the bathroom) and I never found my gel flask but I did find, one Gu shot left over from last year. By 10:30 I knew I HAD to go to the race, NOW. So off I went, ticking off the things I would have liked to have but didn't as I drove to the course.

Way to blame anybody but yourself for not preparing ahead of time. You knew you had an early start, but you didn't pack your crap the night before. No sympathy. Also, do you really need a gu for a 30min crit? Never mind an entire flask.

Traffic was fine and I arrived at the course at 11:10 for my 11:30 start. Registration was a little hidden but I found that, and got my number and then my bike put together. Warm-up for this race consisted of me riding from my car to the line and then once around the course. I had forgotten my HRM strap, and it's just as well since I'm sure my heart rate was all over the place. Thankfully, the race was delayed for a minute or two while guys got their numbers re-pinned. There' s lots of new faces in the Cat 4's this year. I noticed two of the really squirrley guys from last year and tried to make a note to avoid them.

You know why there are so many new faces? It's because it's the goddamn Cat.4's. The category was not meant for folks to just hang out in. It takes no skill or ability to join the 4's, and nowadays it takes no skill or ability to leave the 4's. Being a perennial Cat.4 is embarrassing. Not realizing that it is embarrassing is tragic.

And we were off! Just like that the race began. The course itself wasn't terribly technical. There was a big hole in the outside part of turn 2 and the wind would sometimes gust enough to make you think someone had touched your wheel, but the rain had stopped. I laughed to myself a few times as we've been so conditioned no to cross the yellow line that even though we had from the curb to the cones for racing, guys wouldn't go over the line most of the time.

Some attacks went early so I worked my way to the front and tried to help bring them back. Early on, Lance from ARBT was working to bring one back, so I hopped on his wheel and pulled through. That group got caught. I had to drop back though and rest, the lack of warm-up and lack of any riding on Friday or Saturday was making my legs actually hurt. I felt like there was wax or sludge in my veins.

So you work at the front, eh? What is the point of that exactly? Are you chasing for a sprinter? Why not try to be in one of those moves? Why waste your effort in a chase for the sake of chasing?

I've noticed that for me, at least, there is often a group of riders who become my riding buddies during a race. No matter what I do as far as attacking or sitting in or whatever, when I reach that equilibrium pace in the pack where I'm not pressing but not falling back to rest, it's the same guys. Today it was Ray from Bicycle Place. and a DC Velo rider. Whenever I would see them, I knew I was in my appointed position for the day.

This speaks to the core of your problem. You perceive an "appointed position" for yourself. You don't have any real force of will, do you? If you actually want to succeed, you need a different mindset.

It was a Cat 4 race for sure and we had our share of close calls. Once on a corner, I felt the gentle nudge of someone's arm and handlebars in my side. Later, an Evo rider (I think) took out a few cones that I had to dodge. I was too winded at the time to swear out loud, but the guys behind me had the lungs and they let it fly. Note to Mr. Evo next time: just go outside of the cones for a few hundred meters and come back in when it is safe. The referee will understand. Near the end of the race I was thinking that this is just about the time that someone will lose their concentration and touch wheels when an NCVC and another red/white rider went into the curb together. They weren't there the next lap, so I guess they are ok.

With about 4 to go, I found myself sitting about 3rd wheel chasing down a group of 2. The lead rider was a Bike Lane fellow, then there was an NCVC sitting in (he had someone in the escape group) and then me. The Bike Lane guy really needed to pull off, but the NCVC wasn't making it terribly easy for him. I finally figured out what was going on and pulled through to help catch the escapees. Bike Lane made some comment as I came by; sorry dude, I was doing the best I could. I lead the field down the easy section and then could hear people coming up the outside.

I was happy to drop back down to 5th or 10th as I knew we still had a lap or so, but that wasn't in the cards. I assumed that as the guys came around me they would realize there was a corner and take it wide. They didn't and I got cut off and lost some momentum as we started up the little hill. I'm pretty sure that was my last match I burned as I floated back to find Ray and Mr. DC Velo waiting.

Now we're back to this whole chasing thing. Do you take pride in the chase? Do you do it impulsively? Not once do you mention a reason why you are spending this energy. Do you not think at all? I bet I know what it really is. You are too scared to actually take a risk for the win, so you blow your energy in a way that makes you look like a selfless teammate, when in reality you are building in an excuse for failure.

On the last lap, things bunched up again before the sprint, but I didn't have another field spanning surge left so I just went hard up the left side, passed a few and secured the coveted 34th place. Bleh.

You knew you didn't have anything left, but you still try to pass people. Why? It's dangerous and stupid. Does the difference between 30th and 17th mean anything in a bunch finish? NO.

So, bright spots? My peak 30s for the day was 584W and that was on the last climb up the hill. I got to the front a few times and twice helped to pull back escape groups.

Not impressive. I did intervals harder and longer than that yesterday. Way to let your competitors know your limitations.

Tale of the tape for the 4 race: average power 247W, NP 300W, avg speed 24.4, avg cadence 91

Normalized 300W seems a little high. Do you recalibrate your PM enough? Or are you just more concerned with your watts going out than your calories going in. Have some more post little league ice cream.

Between the 4 and the 3/4 I sat in the car and tried to stop shivering. I had brought some dry clothes, but they weren't really what I needed. I talked myself into and out of that race a thousand times during the hour I was waiting. Finally I put on as much as I could stand and put my feet into my wet shoes and went to the line. Of course, the karmic balance wasn't quite done, so I couldn't find my gloves and then couldn't find my car keys.

Again, you continue to blame a mysterious cosmic force for your disorganization. Take some responsibility for yourself, you whiny hack.

The 3/4 race had lots more faces that I know. I've got to become a 3, just so I have people to talk to again. I rolled up to the line as they were giving final instructions so I was near the back. But at least I didn't have to stand there and start shivering again.

Thanks for proving my point. All the guys you recognize are 3's now. They showed up enough to upgrade. Heck, a few of them may have even done it on points. If you were even slightly committed to bike racing you would be a 3. It only requires showing up enough. Granted, the family commitments can make this hard. But, that is no excuse for whining.

During the first lap, I noticed that the wind had picked up a lot. So much so that you really had to pedal going downhill and more than once the wind blew me off my line. No place to rest. After the second lap I was warm again though a stitch was forming in my ribs. I realized that this is where I'm happiest, when I'm riding so hard I can't think and my entire world becomes some colorful jerseys and a quest for little gaps so that I can move up.

I was too far back and started to work forward. A big gap formed about half-way back in the field and I was behind it. Thankfully, it was early and there must have been lots of Cat 4's in the race, because the lead group sat up and we all regrouped.

Sadly, I hadn't eaten enough, or I had wasted too much energy shivering or burned too many matches in the 4 race. After about 20 minutes of riding I started to hear the trailing moto. Then, on the hill I realized that the pack was escaping and I was falling back. Then, there went the moto and I rode to the line so they could record my number and then rode to the car and drove home. Average power 242W, NP 291, avg speed 25.1, avg cadence 88.

No sympathy should be offered for inadequate nutrition. There were vendors selling food at the race even if you couldn't find enough gu. Cold weather means you must eat more. You brought this on yourself, and I imagine it may be for the same reason you chase everything in the 4's. You didn't really want to do the race, so you had a little pity-party in your car when you should have been refueling, so that you would have a built in excuse to FAIL.

I don't know when I'll get to race next. Maybe not till June. I might get lucky, though and the game schedules and the race schedules will give me a little window.

Still complaining about your kid? What a jackass. You're a grown-up, he's a child. It is no longer your playtime that matters most.

Monday Haiku

2008-04-07T05:48:00.000-07:00

Walkersville in sun
Tysons in rain cold and fog
Blog away you geeks!

Special Sunday Edition: Why?

2008-04-04T12:17:00.000-07:00

Better close the book on Jefferson Cup. There is sure to be extra whining following a doubleheader weekend (Walkersville + Tysons = many frustrated riders). This one is a bit more high-concept than most, but still worthy of much ridicule.

Why are Cat. 3 races faster in general more than Cat. 4 races. I must admit that the cat 4 races are worlds different then Cat 5 races. And 3's races seem to be different then 4's. But why is the question I am asking.

Really? Why are races of a higher category going faster than you? It's simple. The people with legs enough not to be fodder in a 4 field upgrade. When you group faster people together, guess what – they go faster. There is a reason you are a 4.

In cat 5 races it always seems to have a huge deviation in fitness levels compared to higher categories. I have seen so many cat 5 races blown apart with stragglers always chasing. Generally the very fast 5s make a brief pit stop in the 4's on their way to the higher categories. I can see how 5's races are won and how the races work for the most part. If you just spectate you can see the dynamics of 5's races. Basically the strong survive and win while the weak die.

This is true of all racing, only weakness becomes more disguised as you move up.

In Cat 3 races the pace pretty much always seems to be faster, some races the 4's have put up a higher averages, for the most part then the 4 races. How do Cat 3 races string out the whole pack in a 120 man fields in road races. What are they doing that is so different then us lower categories. Is it a few people going to the front and just hammering away the whole time. Or is it that guys have it more together and figure to just ride 2 wide instead of taking up the whole road. But if it is the first who determines who sets the pace. I swear that when I get to the front of the whole pack I could not string it out for very long.

I don't know where to begin. Your terrible, terrible grammar is convoluting your point. Your third grade teacher must be very disappointed in you.
What are they doing different than the lower categories? I don't know, maybe training harder, eating better, and blogging less. There's also the chance that those guys realized that being spread wide across the road keeps you in the wind. It's really less about what they are doing right, but what you are doing wrong.

This also allows me to ask this next question. How come breaks are more successful in higher categories then 4's. I mean the 3s are more consistent in pace setting for sure but do they really chase everything down. I do not think they do, at least, like the way Rayman describes 4s like kids chasing a soccer ball. It might be more that they want to be consistent then to slow down and attack, slow down and attack, but rather just bank on the break to die and if not ratchet up the pace later to catch them hopefully before the finish. I do not remember more then one break really succeeding (Pete is the only one I witnessed) this year.

Use your head. Breaks don't work in the lower categories because everyone is working for their own result. Anyone that says they are "working for a teammate" is really just saying "I'm too weak to get a result myself." The upper Categories have a team dynamic. Breaks don't happen magically.

But if the pace is higher who sets the pace. Is it the responsibility of all of us 4s to keep the pace high. I know most are going for upgrade points and want to sit in and is probably the biggest reason for the lack of pace setting work. I am just trying to figure this out for future races. I prefer faster and more consistent races. I am in no shape right now to break but am trying to figure out the dynamics of the cat 4 races so I do not complain about why it is working out that way.

All you 4's need to stop looking for the smooth consistent pace. Bike racing is about accelerations and recovery. Do some intervals and accept the universal truth.

...

Now, let's move on to our suspended friend. By the way, how do you get in a physical altercation over a Cat 4 race? That must have been a proud moment. Way to take low category amateur sport way too seriously. Your suspension should have been permanent, because if your temper gets the better of you in such trivial events, you are a time bomb in the event you upgrade. Though something tells me that's not going to be a problem.

I tried to address this in Rayman's thread about Jeff Cup, but I got slammed for it. Essentially, you guys have it right. Mostly, it is a lack of teamwork in letting the breaks get away. As soon as somebody jumps, the entire peleton tries to catch up, even those that are teammates. If teammates just let their teammate ride off the front and the rest of the teams just tried to put a man or two into the break, then the break would probably succeed. If the strongest riders from teams went on the same break and their teammates didn't accelerate with the rest of the group, do you guys really think that the weaker riders would be able to bridge the gap? Probably not. However, a rider jumps, the riders on the front accelerate, and teammates of the guys in the front try to jump into the gaps.

This is full of horrendous grammar as well. You guys all need to get a copy of "Elements of Style" and stop butchering language. Stop the run-ons, fragments, misplaced modifiers, missing articles, and multiple clause sentences. Just stop it. If you already knew this, why did you pose the question? Is someone fishing for comments?

Also, the stronger riders that miss the break don't try to bridge the gap themselves and then work with the break, they drag the entire field up to the break. Another thing that rarely happens in the Cat 4 field is counter attacks. Whenever a break is caught, everybody sits up and relaxes, instead of a counter attack being launched by somebody else. If counter attacks kept on coming, eventually the poor guys on the front doing all the work for all the weaker riders in the back would finally have to stop and a break would get away. It just doesn't happen that way. The chasers get a rest and the attempted break away riders get a rest after the pack comes back together. Everything slows down, everybody gets a rest, and then the whole process starts all over again. When I get back, I'm going to try to be the counter attack guy and I'm going to try to take some friends with me when I go. Trying to start breaks last year was a waste. Of course, I'm hoping I'll be fit enough to even ride at the front.

You see the problems with the way you race, yet your answer is to complain about it. Let's see how you do with your plan to be the "counter guy." I wouldn't worry too much other 4's, He doesn't plan to actually have the fitness, it's an idle threat.

I also mentioned that the guys that are consistently outside of the top 20 in sprints should resign themselves to the fact that they aren't sprinters and they should work during the race to get away. If you aren't a sprinter from the beginning of your racing career, odds are you aren't going to develop into a great sprinter with training. Usually you have it or you don't.

This is the only thing you have said, possibly ever, that has any truth to it.

As far as seeing the same faces mixing it up, last year was my first year back and the guys I consistently noticed trying to get off the front were Win Elliott, Adam Driscoll, John Shea, and Chad whose last name escapes me right now.

Nice name dropping.

They were also the same faces that I would see in the sprints. I only started racing in Cat 4 races in the middle of July, so I haven't learned who everybody is yet. I'm going to try and figure out who everybody else is during my suspension. Honestly, I would rather be friends with everybody I'm racing with, but it just seems like there are some select few racers that think I'm getting in their way of becoming a professional racer or that get very defensive when I talk to them about their bike handling skills.

Oh, the irony. We have a racer suspended for fighting who just wants to be friends with everyone.

Trust me, I'm the last guy that wants to tell anybody how to ride their bike, but I am also the last guy that wants to go down.

That may be right, stop telling people what to do.

My wife and 1 year old daughter would like me to come home in one piece.

So you get in a big fight in the parking lot? Just stay at home!

Racing as a junior in 100 rider fields with the likes of George Hinacapie and Jonas Carney I saw less wrecks than I saw in the Silver Spring Grand Prix last year.

You do not gain racing credibility for having signed up for the same event as juniors who turned pro. They probably dropped you real quick. Am I right?

That was my first cat 4 race last year, and it scared me pretty good. I know that there is a risk of wrecking during a race, and I even caused one last year in the Murad sprint that I feel bad about. Its just frustrating to watch guys bobbing, weaving, striking pedals, etc. in the middle of races, especially when they are going down all around me. Granted, the road races did seem a lot better than the crits.

Waaah, Waaah Waah. Let me get my violin.

Counter Point

2008-04-04T12:08:00.000-07:00

Well this is interesting, someone actually had fun at the Jefferson Cup cat 4 race. Is this the same race as whining guy?

We had a great team effort at the Jeff Cup yesterday, resulting in our protected rider finishing second in the 4 race. My job, along with a team mate, was to stay on top of the action in the early/middle part of the race, jump in any good looking breaks and generally be up front.

Teamwork, what a concept.

The overall plan was to help our man Chris P, who is about to deploy to parts unknown with the Coast Guard, get himself a great result in what will be one of his last couple of races before he has to hang up his racing wheels indefinitely. He has a deadly sprint, so that made our tactics a lot more clear.

Teamwork, what a concept.

The first lap and a half it was just super obvious that it wasn't yet break time, so we chilled out. Then Greg shot off the front just at a lull while I picked up second wheel in the bunch. If someone from a different team had bridged to him it would have been a really good move, but no one did and he came back after a pretty good stint.

If the other report is to be believed, this is not racing but riding around in circles. What gives?.

We had discussed the need to push the dagger in on the third time up the hill to get rid of some people so Chris wouldn't have to sprint with 100 of his closest friends, so I dropped the hammer on the climb and inadvertantly started a break. Win Elliot (now with DC Velo) took over pulling on the false flat. I actually had high hopes for this, we had some good guys with us, but the bunch was too fresh and we came back a while later. A short trip to the recovery store and back to the front to chase a break and ride tempo at the front.

Still sounds like an actual bike race going on. Hmm.

The run into the finish is kind of a hypoxic blur. All I wanted to do was be able to see the finish, but I was limping in too many riders back. Then word got back that Chris had gotten second. Freaking sweet. We also had maybe 5 guys in the top 20 so we racked up the BAR points.

After all the crap we went through trying to get the team to act like a team, yesterday was a 9.5 out of ten. Greg and a bunch of other guys did a ton of smart work and stuck to the plan throughout, largely screwing their own chances in the process. Even a blind squirrel finds a nut sometime so maybe this was a one shot deal but I'm thinking it isn't.

There, see? bike racing can be fun if you let it be.

Hole Shot

2008-04-04T05:17:00.000-07:00

Ah, spring in DC. Despite the cold and rain, tourists choke the roads of Hains Point. Sure the trees are pretty I guess. I have a cherry tree in my yard, I don't notice any buses stopping out front. Another sure sign of spring is the inevitable whining of category 4 racers (there must be some new Google plug-in for a direct whine-to-blog link)

And so it begins:

So, if I ever see 125 Cat4s signed up for a race, I'm going to load my bike back in the car and go home. Or, maybe I won't even leave the house. I'll consider the entree fee a contribution to the organizers. This is pretty much my assessment of the Cat4 Jeff Cup race.

I guess I can sum the race up in two words "f'in scary".

For years we have listened to Cat.4's complain about how terrible it is to race against other Cat.4's. Get over yourself, you're as much a part of the problem as the solution. If you're too scared to race with a full field of the same categorized riders then maybe you're not cut out for this whole racing thing. Do you think the guys in the P/1/2 races got there without risking life and limb in the 4's? You guys don't even need to be good anymore to upgrade, you just have to keep showing up!

I really hate big Cat4 fields because most of the time no one wants to work and everyone wants to just sit in for the sprint. There were maybe 15 different riders that did any work at the front. And as Kyle says a whole bunch of "Cat4 Trolls" just getting in the way.

Get stronger or stop complaining. Breaks don't happen magically.

Its like watching a bunch of little kids play soccer. The ball goes one direction and all the little f'ers go chasing it, the ball goes another direction and then they all chase it in the new direction. On and on this continues. This is what a Cat4 race is like. The pack rides along real slow, someone tries to break and everyone picks up speed to chase them. The breakers are soon caught and the chasers stop going hard. And everyone slows back up to a walking pace. Then someone tries to break again, and the pack picks the speed up to chase them down. Once again the breaker is caught and the chasers stop working. On and on it goes.

I agree, watching a Cat.4 race epitomizes the skill level and excitement of youth soccer.

I don't know, but is this racing? If it is why don't we just make these races one lap?

To give you complainers the chance to make something happen. It's not the promoters fault you all constantly fail.

Enough ranting: I suck and I'm taking my 41st place to the grave.

True

Here's my view of the Race:

I tried a couple times to make something happen but my legs never felt good. Too much stop and go throughout the race and I could never get into a rhythm. The only time my legs felt good was maybe the last 2 miles when the pace finally picked up to race speed and I had to do a sustained effort but I was too far back to make it to the front to contend.

Get it in your head. Racing is about the stop and go. You want to find a rhythm? Stick to TT's or do a triathlon.

You know it sucks when you have to brake going up hill. I think I need new brakes after wasting them on these sections. Who ever heard of having to brake on climbs? Every F'in climb the pack was spread from curb-curb and no room to get around riders. I tried to stay near the curb and away from the middle and a couple times I had a-holes trying to squeak through the 2" I had on the curb-side.

If you are on the front, that wouldn't happen. Who's fault is this really?

The fast downhill sections were scary as shit. Too many riders just having no clue how to ride. And a couple riders seriously need to have their bikes checked out by a mechanic. I'd usually have a bunch of riders dive bomb past me on these sections only to have them get in my way on the uphill sections.

Grow a pair, and stop blaming others for your poor positioning.

A very disappointing race.

And a very disappointing recap.

So, with this being said, I'm quitting racing and going to train full time for the next Pilates competition. I think this might be a safer activity.

Sounds like the kind of activity you might barely have the testicular fortitude to partake in.

Letters to the Faux Pro

2008-04-03T14:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Faux Pro,

I was wondering if you could give me some advice. Having read and re-read “Lance Armstrong’s War,” I know that Pro’s in the early season gauge their competition by seeing how much ass fat the other riders have. I’m worried that I might have slightly too much going into April. My training regimen lately has been to arrive at the gym for my daily 5am to 9am spin class. My lovely wife, Tamrood, accompanies me every morning to give me Enervit spritzes to help me stay cool while I’m destroying the others in my class. After working a little bit, I hit the W&OD trail for 2 hours of 20 minute intervals at 500 watts (650 normalized). After a light supper, I hop onto my Computrainer for a ride on this year’s Paris-Roubaix course. I can’t seem to get the fat on my ass below 5%. What am I doing wrong?

Sincerely,
Concerned neo Cat 3 racer

First of all, I'm going to guess that you got that upgrade to cat 3 by showing up to 25 races in one summer, aka the "No Need to Do Well, Just Pay the Entry Fee" upgrade. Second, with 5% ass fat, you should be shooting for about 750 watts, 30 minute intervals. That's what burns fat, lengthy trips into the Pain Cave (be sure to bring a flashlight.) Lastly, what flavor Enervit? That stuff tastes like 5% ass fat if you ask me...

Letters to the Faux Pro

2008-04-02T11:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Faux Pro,

Yesterday I read about Google's new PowerBlog software, which allows real-time uploading of my SRM data to my blog, as well as being able to write out badly misinformed training and race reports on my Blackberry which then goes live onto my blog as well. My question is, if the data all go to my blog in real time, what am I supposed to do when I get home?

While I never condone the posting of power files to one's blog, that may be more in the spirit of not condoning training blogs on the whole. At the very least, real time SRM uploads will prevent you from cherry picking which rides to post, and it will give your competition a great deal of insight into your weaknesses.

What to do when you get home? I don't care, as long as you don't start writing to the world about how awesome your recovery protein smoothie was. I'm sure you'll just spend the extra time admiring your own reflection, trying to see if you're getting the sweet quad definition you've been wanting since you first pulled on some dimpled lycra.

April's Fool

2008-04-01T13:27:00.000-07:00

power meter shows
many interesting things
but not how to win